Conversationally
by Clecky
Summary: House, did you really try to bake something in the autoclave?


Author's note: This is a conversation between House and Wilson. The first line is Wilson and then they alternate back and forth. Hopefully I managed to capture the characters... if not, please tell me what I did wrong.

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"House, did you really try to bake something in the autoclave?"

"No, of course not. I tried to diagnose my patient-"

"By pouring some sort of baking mix in the autoclave."

"Well, yeah."

"Could you please justify putting the mix in the autoclave? Preferably in a way that make sense to me?"

"Let's see, I'll have to break out the dictionary to find enough small words. Okay, here we go: Germs bad. No germs good-"

"I hate to tell you, but banana bread isn't pathogenic. Sorry, I know you have a violent opposition to it for some ungodly reason-"

"It was banana bread? The label said it was vanilla cake!"

"Does it matter? The walnuts were mostly carbonized anyway."

"Damn... well, don't expect any birthday cake from me."

"House, it's not my birthday."

"So? I'm not buying you cake, you rat."

"I think that might possibly be considered an insult to rats. I stand as the symbol of un-rattiness."

"How did you know it was banana bread?"

"I plead the fifth and will impart this great wisdom unto you: never try to identify anything organic that was cooked in an autoclave."

"You are the epitome of stupidity, Wilson."

"I was hungry. Someone keeps stealing my lunch."

"I really can't believe that you tried to eat it. That's... I'm speechless, really I am."

"I didn't try to eat it, I only smelled it. At least it was sterile, right? And I could hardly avoid the smell. It seems to have permeated most of the building near the labs."

"The smell?"

"Yes, the smell. The techs are threatening to go on strike again. And the union rep can't decide whether your making your fellows do lab tests is a violation of the techs' rights or not, either. I suspect a Scylla and Charybdis scenario- hey, where are you going?"

"Come on, keep up. I'll need your strong young arms, Wilson."

"I hesitate to even speculate about why. How come the guy with the cane can walk faster than I can?"

"I have longer legs. When is the stupid elevator going to get here?"

"I think it's a conspiracy. The elevators remember that you are abusive and never appreciate their efforts and so they're conspiring to stay away from you to make your life a living hell."

"And look, they've contracted out their revenge to Dr. Jimmy Wilson!"

"Don't hate me because I'm pretty. Hate me because the elevators like me."

"Hit the button for the lobby and tell your precious elevator friend to step on it. We have an autoclave to catch."

"I suspect that while outrunning you may be beyond me, I can easily overtake the autoclave, House."

"Yeah, but you're a moron. Why is it that nobody but me thinks around here?"

"I suspect it's the fact that we don't have unlimited free time to ponder the mysteries of the universe, unlike you."

"Like why an autoclave that should theoretically be airtight made the whole building smell like banana bread?"

"...I can't believe I didn't think of that. Good thing you put it out of order with the baking supplies."

"But it's probably screwed up the whole experiment. I was trying to prove the guy was lying-"

"I think I'm a little more worried about any viruses or bacteria that might have escaped from the defective autoclave."

"Only the techs were nearby enough to be exposed anyway, and who cares about them?"

"Not everyone in the hospital can afford to make their fellows do lab work, House. In fact, I'd say you're pretty much unique in that regard."

"It's not my fault that I'm the only one who can utilize resources properly."

"That's the last time I let you read my department heads meeting notes."

"If you don't let me read the notes, I can't mock the other department heads as effectively."

"God forbid that you actually show up to the meetings yourself as stipulated in your contract."

"How come you've seen my contract? Go tell the lab monkeys what idiots they are and I'll watch."

"You have to have an ulterior motive; you never turn down the chance to tell people how stupid they are."

"Why Jimmy, I didn't know you cared."

"House."

"I just want to see you lay on the smackdown."

"House."

"It's a kinky fantasy of mine."

"House."

"I hate the smell of banana bread for personal reasons and am planning to leave as fast as I can when you go to yell at the techs."

"Fine. I made you lunch, so don't badger the lunch ladies again. It's in the refrigerator and labeled 'Property of Mickey Mouse'."

"That was supposed to be my lunch? I already ate the one that said 'Property of Dr. Wilson House DO NOT TOUCH."

"Good. That's the one I actually made for you. Reverse psychology is somewhat more effective than post-it notes saying 'Keep off'."

"...I hate you."

"Indeed. And yet you haven't left."

"I'm still deciding exactly how to booby-trap your office. Go tell off the techs and give me more time to think."

"House needing more time to think? What a momentous occasion. Has someone called the newspapers yet?"

"Don't let my cane hit you on the way in- oops, too late."

"Ow! Okay, I'm leaving, I'm leaving."

"Maybe I should give Wilson's lunch to Chase. He's a growing boy, after all. And talking to an empty hallway is probably a good way to convince Cuddy that I need medical leave, wouldn't you say, hallway?"


End file.
